Thank you for writing this. I have grown two living boys and have lost two others—am losing, in fact, one of them now. Not everyone experiences the inexpressible grief of losing a baby (thank God), but for those of us who have (or are), your words are a balm. Thank you and congratulations on making it through that harrowing journey, congratulations on the beautiful life you’ve added to our world. He IS beautiful ❤️
What you said about trust, and about God😭…as a 50yo mama of six I have had to fight anxiety the whole way, in the face of many raging seas. He is our only real Security❤️.
Beautifully written, Rachel. When something goes wrong you find out what a miracle healthy babies truly are! And then the challenge to protect them and to trust God with them no matter what. We have not met but I have loved your writing from afar. Thank you for this one! We lost our first son at 15 days after delivering him at 36 weeks because of the discovery of severe hydrocephalus. Another baby (our boys called BG - boy/girl because we didn't know :)) several years later early in the pregnancy. You say things I feel. Thank you!
This was wonderfully written, and such a timely reminder. The loss of innocence around trust in my body was so unexpected for me as a young mother. I remember, in the wake of my own losses, being particularly flummoxed by the popular getting-to-know-you question "How many children do you have?" I would be like a deer in the headlights, unwilling to discuss his death and my grief with a stranger, and equally unwilling to go through my days as if his life had never been. Funny how something so small could suddenly start an internal war between strongly held values of privacy and honesty.
Well said. There is peace in the valleys of even the greatest of suffering. Even hope. My wife and I can attest. “Everything sad is going to come untrue and it will somehow be greater for having once been broken and lost.” - Tim Keller
What a deeply vulnerable and deeply true insight. I have never lost a child, but every mama worries about the safety of her children. We leave our longing for safety at the feet of Jesus, the liver of our souls.
I had similar thoughts about my first-born: worrying about the cord and then thinking isn't it interesting that God plants this exercise in trust inside of us? We'd never let a baby play with something like that unsupervised, but here they are, alone with a cord that is, of all things, keeping them alive and nourishing them. And I had to come to the place of acknowledging that trust isn't reassuring ourselves that everything will be all right when there is a very real risk that it might not be. It's about believing that God is in control no matter the outcome.
Like you, my fears came to fruition. My baby was born with the cord around his neck twice and unconscious. I still cry when I picture his blue face laying beneath the birthing chair and remember my voice calling out his name. I think he had some oxygen deprivation; I know he had birth trauma. I think we're still dealing with those things 15 years later, though I've never felt like I had a full understanding. But this part of his story is how God made him, too. It's good to be reminded to trust in that.
Thank you for sharing this, that verse has been one I've clung to at difficult times too. There is nowhere else we can go, but He is faithful. Congratulations on the arrival of Richard!
I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak Rachel. The heartbreak and agony you have endured have been infathomable. I just welcomed my rainbow baby earlier this year and I resonate so deeply with your words. Being pregnant after loss is a mind battle of spiritual warfare, grief, and terror that I would wish on no one else. Thank you for sharing this piece. As one Jesus following rainbow baby loving mama to another, this made me feel not so alone♥️
Phew this was so well written and hit me hard. Is it Peter who said that "where else can we go?" I love the song by Anchor Hymns too "Where else can I go?". That feeling of wanting control but knowing we don't have control but they it's God who has all control but that still doesn't mean we always get what we would like... Such a wrestle!
Oh Rachel.... wow. What a journey. As always God uses your challenges to mine the gold we all need--the reminders that, "Faith is so hard, Richard. It takes a lifetime to trust God; to trust the One who has the power over wind and waves, tornados and babies. I don’t know what to say some days other than, to whom else should we go? "
May God continue to be near you all as your family grows. xo
Thank you for sharing your heart, your losses and the healthy birth of your baby boy. I've suffered with pregnancy and infant loss as well. Anxiety for subsequent pregnancies was definitely something I had to deal with. Trusting Jesus was the only thing that brought me through.
Thank you for writing this. I have grown two living boys and have lost two others—am losing, in fact, one of them now. Not everyone experiences the inexpressible grief of losing a baby (thank God), but for those of us who have (or are), your words are a balm. Thank you and congratulations on making it through that harrowing journey, congratulations on the beautiful life you’ve added to our world. He IS beautiful ❤️
What you said about trust, and about God😭…as a 50yo mama of six I have had to fight anxiety the whole way, in the face of many raging seas. He is our only real Security❤️.
Beautifully written, Rachel. When something goes wrong you find out what a miracle healthy babies truly are! And then the challenge to protect them and to trust God with them no matter what. We have not met but I have loved your writing from afar. Thank you for this one! We lost our first son at 15 days after delivering him at 36 weeks because of the discovery of severe hydrocephalus. Another baby (our boys called BG - boy/girl because we didn't know :)) several years later early in the pregnancy. You say things I feel. Thank you!
This was wonderfully written, and such a timely reminder. The loss of innocence around trust in my body was so unexpected for me as a young mother. I remember, in the wake of my own losses, being particularly flummoxed by the popular getting-to-know-you question "How many children do you have?" I would be like a deer in the headlights, unwilling to discuss his death and my grief with a stranger, and equally unwilling to go through my days as if his life had never been. Funny how something so small could suddenly start an internal war between strongly held values of privacy and honesty.
Well said. There is peace in the valleys of even the greatest of suffering. Even hope. My wife and I can attest. “Everything sad is going to come untrue and it will somehow be greater for having once been broken and lost.” - Tim Keller
What a deeply vulnerable and deeply true insight. I have never lost a child, but every mama worries about the safety of her children. We leave our longing for safety at the feet of Jesus, the liver of our souls.
I had similar thoughts about my first-born: worrying about the cord and then thinking isn't it interesting that God plants this exercise in trust inside of us? We'd never let a baby play with something like that unsupervised, but here they are, alone with a cord that is, of all things, keeping them alive and nourishing them. And I had to come to the place of acknowledging that trust isn't reassuring ourselves that everything will be all right when there is a very real risk that it might not be. It's about believing that God is in control no matter the outcome.
Like you, my fears came to fruition. My baby was born with the cord around his neck twice and unconscious. I still cry when I picture his blue face laying beneath the birthing chair and remember my voice calling out his name. I think he had some oxygen deprivation; I know he had birth trauma. I think we're still dealing with those things 15 years later, though I've never felt like I had a full understanding. But this part of his story is how God made him, too. It's good to be reminded to trust in that.
Thank you for sharing this, that verse has been one I've clung to at difficult times too. There is nowhere else we can go, but He is faithful. Congratulations on the arrival of Richard!
I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak Rachel. The heartbreak and agony you have endured have been infathomable. I just welcomed my rainbow baby earlier this year and I resonate so deeply with your words. Being pregnant after loss is a mind battle of spiritual warfare, grief, and terror that I would wish on no one else. Thank you for sharing this piece. As one Jesus following rainbow baby loving mama to another, this made me feel not so alone♥️
Really beautiful, Rachel. God always gives us Himself in place of the things we think keep us (and our loved ones) safe.
Phew this was so well written and hit me hard. Is it Peter who said that "where else can we go?" I love the song by Anchor Hymns too "Where else can I go?". That feeling of wanting control but knowing we don't have control but they it's God who has all control but that still doesn't mean we always get what we would like... Such a wrestle!
Oh Rachel.... wow. What a journey. As always God uses your challenges to mine the gold we all need--the reminders that, "Faith is so hard, Richard. It takes a lifetime to trust God; to trust the One who has the power over wind and waves, tornados and babies. I don’t know what to say some days other than, to whom else should we go? "
May God continue to be near you all as your family grows. xo
Thank you for this! To hear someone else express what I have felt so closely and clearly is a comfort!
I feel and remember this exquisite fear, which you name so well here. The vigilance stays with us. He is beautiful ♥️
You have an uncanny ability to put words to the fears, thoughts, and groanings of a mother.
Thank you for sharing your heart, your losses and the healthy birth of your baby boy. I've suffered with pregnancy and infant loss as well. Anxiety for subsequent pregnancies was definitely something I had to deal with. Trusting Jesus was the only thing that brought me through.