Dear Hildegaard

Some thoughts on parenting

Dear Hildegaard,

There was a recent article in a popular Christian magazine that has been bothering me to no end. It was about parenting, and it emphasized inflicting painful punishment over engaging a child’s natural development and emotions as the “biblical” choice. In fact, the author used the story of a mom in the store, getting eye-level with her crying child to help them name their emotions as an example of weak, secular, parenting. 

My main beef is that the author practically mocked kindness, pointing to it as a passing trend in parenting, rather than a Fruit of the Spirit. I don’t know if I am parenting you right. But I know that God says in the book of James that if we ask for wisdom, He will give it. And because you are so precious, I ask – even plead – for wisdom on a daily basis. I also lean heavily on your Dad, because he is strong and gracious, and we do this parenting thing together.

It makes sense to me that parenting looks different for each family, even for each child. If you ever read a book or hear a sermon that makes it sound like there is only one way to parent, keep your antenna up. There is a reason we have to rely on the Holy Spirit for understanding and ask God for help. He does not want us to lean on our own wisdom. We are to wrestle with how to bring Scriptural truths to life in our individual lives. It is part of the action of faith and the practice of humility. 

Today, you told me: “Mama, you are mad,” so I pretended to be mad. I kicked and yelped and said “I AM MAD.” You giggled, then gently covered me with a blanket, told me to “calm down,” and counted to three, demonstrating a big, long, breath in between each number. I followed your instructions and then told you: “I feel better.” You smiled with satisfaction, and then went back to playing with your toys. I was amazed.

Discipline is certainly part of parenting (and life), and a loving part when done in care and self-control, but so is patience. So is taking the time to understand your child and show mercy. So is demonstrating to them the right way so they can add another tool to their metaphorical belt (or in your case, the literal John Deere belt that Daddy got you for Christmas.) It has taken months and months of patience, time-outs, counting, and kisses, but you have finally learned how to stop and take a deep breath when you are upset. Not every time. But you’re beginning to do it on your own, and you even wanted to act out how to teach someone else – me. Maybe you will teach your baby brother when he is born. That would be a thing to witness. 

If there is one thing I have become convinced of in raising you these past two years, it is that showing you how to handle your emotions is one of my highest callings right now. I don’t know what people on Instagram or TikTok are saying about “Gentle Parenting,” but I know that teaching you how to breathe through anger, express sadness, articulate joy and need, matters. Because I am responsible for showing you how to honor yourself, others, and God, in how you respond to needs, wants, and disappointments. And most of all, I am responsible for showing you that need is the very foundation of the gospel story.

When I was a high school teacher, I remember talking to the other teachers about how important it is to apologize to our students when we get something wrong. A few quickly admonished me, assuring me that apologizing would only give our students the power. I was confused. We worked at a Christian school where we wanted – above all else – to communicate the gospel to our students. Apologizing, as the adult in the room, seemed like a perfect chance to remind my students that everyone, including their teacher, needs a Savior. 

I need a Savior, Hildegaard. I mess up often, and I would be lost without the grace of Jesus. I need to put myself in time-outs more often, because no matter how many times I tell you to control your hands and heart when you feel upset, you will still hear me cursing under my breath when I spill something on the floor or when a household appliance breaks. I need to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask God once again: 

“Help me, Father. I want to honor you.”

Cover image by Daiga Ellaby