As the mom of an adult on the autism spectrum, I experienced some of the worst tantrums imaginable. I didn't know what I was doing, but I prayed and read and mostly ignored folks who told me he was a behavior problem. It certainly wasn't easy, but I'm so proud of how far he's come. At age 27, he got his driver's license and he works part time. This week he was presented employee of the month.
Your words continue to inspire me and give me hope in your generation and Hildegaard's. God is using you in a mighty way. I may be your oldest reader, but you are a wonderful teacher.
Rachel, I have so much respect for how you and Evan are parenting Hilde. My now teens were raised under the influence of reformed theology where an over emphasis on total depravity did a lot of harm to my children’s and my own psyche. We have spent years in therapy trying to regain a truly God-informed vision of who we are, and how to rightly discern what is at play in outward behaviors. It’s not always sin! Thank you for sharing these letters to Hilde with a broader audience. I imagine they are inspiring and encouraging many of your readers.
Mm, thank you for this, Rachel. It was the reminder I needed today! I appreciate your parsing out of Calvinism as it relates to children's behaviour. As someone with a similar upbringing to yours, I can feel I'm being overly soft at times when I don't treat every bad behaviour with discipline, because sometimes (like when they're tired, hungry, or simply don't understand what's going on) I think it really needs another response. Walking that line requires discernment each day, which is harder than having one rule to always go by, but I'm glad we can say "Please help, God!" Good remembering, Hilde, even if the Lord did not deliver you in that moment. 😂
You’ve got this! As an educator and parent, and a mama to a child from a hard place in kinship care for five years, look at the eyes. They reveal the heart. You can see in a baby who cries after a drop off if they are looking at the adult and it’s for reassurance or attention and when you aren’t looking it’s more to gain your attention. Watch in a nursery or toddler setting even families you don’t know. But when you know a child their eyes reveal their heart. So so well. If you like Dan Siegels books you will love Kathy Koch’s books. She’s a child psychologist turned professional speaker and her books are published by Moody but are so approachable and helpful! She has a website celebratekids.com and her podcasts are so so good! She spoke at our pregnancy centers banquet two years ago and got a standing ovation! She will pause and thank you for listening! Her start with the heart book would be a great first book and I think you and Evan would appreciate her newest book Parenting Differently. She has grown in her faith the 20ish years I’ve followed her but she simply calls sin a sin and says we need to be sure we are aware. Just the fact of lies vs truth! You are both reflective and fearing the Lord as parents so you’ve got this! But parenting is the most sanctifying experience of my life! Revealing what I modeled so unintentionally!
This is lovely. I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, and that uncertainty you describe, the question of approach (firm or comforting) is the razor’s edge I walk most days. And I also need CONSTANT reminders to ask for God’s help. Parenting, too me, seems the most excruciating and joyful work of love—and love, that’s God’s business, so I’d better pray.
Thank you for the lovely description of your sweet H and the excellent reminder that prayer, even more than coffee, is what will get me through the day.
There is a wonderful, out-of-print book by the title, Even If I Did Something Awful. I have read it to my adult children in the last couple of years and gave them each their own copy which I purchased from an online used book seller. I read it to them when they were young and wanted to remind them that no matter what, I'm in their corner. I might have big emotions sometimes, too, but I will ALWAYS love them. No matter how different our beliefs or values, I love them. I think you would love reading this with Hildegaard.
My firstborn had anxiety issues from an early age (Highly Sensitive Person). She had meltdowns that required a dark room with soothing talk and a tight hold. It took so much time! But it was part of teaching her emotional regulation. Most of her "hissy fits" as I affectionately called them, were her inability to deal with overstimulation. Her younger sister had HUGE tantrums that required a different approach. You get better at discerning them, but I was never fully confident in my assessment.
This Dear Hildegaard was a special treat for me. You've got this, momma - you and Jesus.
This is so, so encouraging. I have two rambunctious toddler boys and it can be challenging to parent the way I most want to when others around us take one extreme or the other.
Your little girl sounds as willful, lovely and feisty as my two girls! Love reading your letters 💛 I also grew up with Calvinism and I love the way you wrote about it 👌🏻
Yes yes yes!!!! I wish I had known this when my 12YO was younger; I put it daily into practice with the almost 2YO. When he's having the willful ones, we put him on the floor, and walk away, because the DRAMA if you dare say his name, or look at him. 🤣 (He's also learned floor awareness, so if he's in the kitchen, he stops screaming, VERY CAREFULLY lowers himself to the floor, and resumes.) There's always love when he comes running. The ones where he's melting down because he's hungry or overtired or can't communicate are the hardest, because I can't make it better. My parents raised us in the doctrine of discipline out the devil; I started that way, but by elementary, I was able to find a way out with the oldest. A toddler is still a baby, and babies can't sin. If you've never told them before that they can't wear their snowsuit when it's 98°, then their meltdown is understandable. They have concept of casual relationships, and are barely grasping cause and effect. Sin involves a willful desire to control someone, for your own gain and desires. A baby yelling because they don't know why they're upset is a normal way to begin to develop their brains.
As the mom of an adult on the autism spectrum, I experienced some of the worst tantrums imaginable. I didn't know what I was doing, but I prayed and read and mostly ignored folks who told me he was a behavior problem. It certainly wasn't easy, but I'm so proud of how far he's come. At age 27, he got his driver's license and he works part time. This week he was presented employee of the month.
Your words continue to inspire me and give me hope in your generation and Hildegaard's. God is using you in a mighty way. I may be your oldest reader, but you are a wonderful teacher.
Rachel, I have so much respect for how you and Evan are parenting Hilde. My now teens were raised under the influence of reformed theology where an over emphasis on total depravity did a lot of harm to my children’s and my own psyche. We have spent years in therapy trying to regain a truly God-informed vision of who we are, and how to rightly discern what is at play in outward behaviors. It’s not always sin! Thank you for sharing these letters to Hilde with a broader audience. I imagine they are inspiring and encouraging many of your readers.
Mm, thank you for this, Rachel. It was the reminder I needed today! I appreciate your parsing out of Calvinism as it relates to children's behaviour. As someone with a similar upbringing to yours, I can feel I'm being overly soft at times when I don't treat every bad behaviour with discipline, because sometimes (like when they're tired, hungry, or simply don't understand what's going on) I think it really needs another response. Walking that line requires discernment each day, which is harder than having one rule to always go by, but I'm glad we can say "Please help, God!" Good remembering, Hilde, even if the Lord did not deliver you in that moment. 😂
You’ve got this! As an educator and parent, and a mama to a child from a hard place in kinship care for five years, look at the eyes. They reveal the heart. You can see in a baby who cries after a drop off if they are looking at the adult and it’s for reassurance or attention and when you aren’t looking it’s more to gain your attention. Watch in a nursery or toddler setting even families you don’t know. But when you know a child their eyes reveal their heart. So so well. If you like Dan Siegels books you will love Kathy Koch’s books. She’s a child psychologist turned professional speaker and her books are published by Moody but are so approachable and helpful! She has a website celebratekids.com and her podcasts are so so good! She spoke at our pregnancy centers banquet two years ago and got a standing ovation! She will pause and thank you for listening! Her start with the heart book would be a great first book and I think you and Evan would appreciate her newest book Parenting Differently. She has grown in her faith the 20ish years I’ve followed her but she simply calls sin a sin and says we need to be sure we are aware. Just the fact of lies vs truth! You are both reflective and fearing the Lord as parents so you’ve got this! But parenting is the most sanctifying experience of my life! Revealing what I modeled so unintentionally!
This is lovely. I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, and that uncertainty you describe, the question of approach (firm or comforting) is the razor’s edge I walk most days. And I also need CONSTANT reminders to ask for God’s help. Parenting, too me, seems the most excruciating and joyful work of love—and love, that’s God’s business, so I’d better pray.
Thank you for the lovely description of your sweet H and the excellent reminder that prayer, even more than coffee, is what will get me through the day.
Kathleen, preach! Thank you for your response - it encourages me to keep praying for help! I will have a three year old and newborn soon. Any advice?
You had me belly laughing with the "Hep me, God!"
Very wise!
There is a wonderful, out-of-print book by the title, Even If I Did Something Awful. I have read it to my adult children in the last couple of years and gave them each their own copy which I purchased from an online used book seller. I read it to them when they were young and wanted to remind them that no matter what, I'm in their corner. I might have big emotions sometimes, too, but I will ALWAYS love them. No matter how different our beliefs or values, I love them. I think you would love reading this with Hildegaard.
My firstborn had anxiety issues from an early age (Highly Sensitive Person). She had meltdowns that required a dark room with soothing talk and a tight hold. It took so much time! But it was part of teaching her emotional regulation. Most of her "hissy fits" as I affectionately called them, were her inability to deal with overstimulation. Her younger sister had HUGE tantrums that required a different approach. You get better at discerning them, but I was never fully confident in my assessment.
This Dear Hildegaard was a special treat for me. You've got this, momma - you and Jesus.
This is so, so encouraging. I have two rambunctious toddler boys and it can be challenging to parent the way I most want to when others around us take one extreme or the other.
Your little girl sounds as willful, lovely and feisty as my two girls! Love reading your letters 💛 I also grew up with Calvinism and I love the way you wrote about it 👌🏻
In the throes of two year old tantrums and constantly hearing "Mommy happy. " And "Mommy mad". It's tough!
Yes yes yes!!!! I wish I had known this when my 12YO was younger; I put it daily into practice with the almost 2YO. When he's having the willful ones, we put him on the floor, and walk away, because the DRAMA if you dare say his name, or look at him. 🤣 (He's also learned floor awareness, so if he's in the kitchen, he stops screaming, VERY CAREFULLY lowers himself to the floor, and resumes.) There's always love when he comes running. The ones where he's melting down because he's hungry or overtired or can't communicate are the hardest, because I can't make it better. My parents raised us in the doctrine of discipline out the devil; I started that way, but by elementary, I was able to find a way out with the oldest. A toddler is still a baby, and babies can't sin. If you've never told them before that they can't wear their snowsuit when it's 98°, then their meltdown is understandable. They have concept of casual relationships, and are barely grasping cause and effect. Sin involves a willful desire to control someone, for your own gain and desires. A baby yelling because they don't know why they're upset is a normal way to begin to develop their brains.
🤍🤍🤍