Dear Hildegaard

Tough questions and two gardens

Dear Hildegaard,

Nothing has caused more of my friends to walk away from Jesus than suffering. 

I would be a liar to pretend that it hasn’t caught my own faith in my throat from time to time. It will do that. I don’t want you to suffer, baby - not ever - but life on this side of heaven can hurt, and I want to talk to you about the inevitable reality of that pain, and who God is in the midst of it. 

Psalm 18 calls God our Rock, Fortress, Deliverer, Refuge, Shield, Salvation, and High Tower, among other things. If the ground never shook, we wouldn’t need a fortress. If arrows never rained down, we wouldn’t need a shield. If life didn’t strangle our courage sometimes, we wouldn’t need a deliverer. But we do. And I want you to be prepared. Because God is indeed a High Tower, but sometimes, it can feel more like He is the enemy.

No matter what we say we believe theologically, when trials hit, our true beliefs come out. For too long, I mocked prosperity-gospel teachers while secretly believing that my obedience would earn me a good life. A protected life. When some of the good things I had collected began turning to dust in my hands, I panicked. What did this mean about my standing before God? Why would He let these things happen to me? 

I will tell you these stories in detail one day, if you want to hear them (and probably even if you don’t) but right now, I want to talk to you about two gardens. Two places I visit when my heart is flooded with questions about God and suffering.

The first garden is Eden. You’ll read all about it in Genesis. It was a place full of fruit and rivers and trees. It was the original home God created for us, the place He wanted for us: stocked with every provision and joy you could imagine. If you ever wonder what God wants for you, it’s paradise. 

Seeing how excited you got over that robin today, the one that was hopping around in our yard, makes me imagine the joy you would feel in Eden, where every kind of animal roamed, flew, and swam. You would never stop marveling. You would want to ride on a tiger’s back and swim with the salmon. When you got hungry, you could simply pick perfect fruit from any tree. Well…all except one. And that brings us to the next garden. 

The other place I visit from time to time is the Garden of Gethsemane. I don’t know a lot about it, only that Jesus prayed there with his disciples before going to the cross. The Bible says he prayed so hard that he sweat blood. He prayed so hard because he knew he was about to upend the curse on all humanity. The curse that broke the paradise that was Eden.

And doing so was going to cost him everything. Hilde, Jesus loves you. He loves you. While He was praying in the garden, Jesus asked God a question that will haunt you, if you let you. The book of Matthew says that he fell on his face and prayed: Oh my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as you will. What he was asking was: God, is there any other way to accomplish this? Please? 

Ever since sin began, we have been living with a weight on our shoulders. The ground is not always soft in the garden. Giving birth to you pushed me beyond my physical limits, and I groaned with all of creation. This is where we live right now. There is so much beauty here but there is so much pain. And that is because of us. We did it. We broke God’s heart and his law and now - until Jesus returns again - we live with this weight. But it won’t always be this way. Because Jesus asked God: Please? And God said: No. And Jesus said: Your will be done, Father.

And that’s why I visit these two gardens. Because they remind me what God wants for us - paradise - and what He did to His Son to ensure that we get to return there again one day. It won’t be Eden - it will be even better. The new heavens and earth, where sorrow and sighing shall flee away (Isa. 51:11). Until then, we have a High Tower, a Refuge, and a Shield. And He will never look away from you when you need Him most. Because Jesus took that for you. Now, you never have to be alone.

Cover image by Valentina Locatelli